Parents think 3- and 4-year-olds need help, but educators believe they’re capable of doing a lot on their own.

Brighton Academy shares tips from preschool teachers in the US on raising children.

1. Expect more

Most people live up to expectations, including young children. “In school, we expect kids to pour their own water, clear their plates at lunch, hang up their coats, and they do,” says Jennifer Zebooker, a teacher at the 92nd Street Y preschool in New York City. “But then they walk out of the classroom, suck their thumbs, and go back to their strollers.” In fact, when parents raise expectations, kids are more likely to meet them.

2. Don’t help with things your child can do for themselves

Be patient and let your child handle things that are within their capabilities instead of rushing in and doing them for them just to get things done faster. “Whenever I want a child to put on a coat or sit in a chair at the table, I gently ask, ‘Do you want me to help you, or can you do it yourself?’ Those words are like magic, because children want to do it themselves,” suggests Donna Jones, a teacher at the Schneider Children’s Center at Southern Oregon University.

3. Don’t fix things your child has done

If your child makes his own bed, resist the urge to smooth the sheets. If he chooses a combination of stripes and polka dots, praise his unique style. Kathy Buss, principal of Weekday Preschool in Morrisville, Pennsylvania, believes that unless absolutely necessary, don’t fix things your child has done. Your child will notice your actions and become discouraged.

4. Let your child solve simple problems

If you see your child trying to assemble a toy or get a book from a shelf that he can reach on a ladder, stop and watch before helping. “As long as they are safe, the moment you don’t rush them, give them a little time to figure things out for themselves, that’s when character is being formed. You want everything to be perfect, but if you do, you rob them of the opportunity to experience success for themselves,” Zebooker said.

5. Delegate chores

Raising preschoolers is a confusing task for many parents. Illustration: Reality Moms

Putting children in charge of a simple daily task will help build responsibility and confidence, and a sense of self-efficacy. A child who is assigned to water the plants believes that he or she can dress or feed themselves. Just make sure the task is within your control and that it is a real, contributing task like any other family member. Preschoolers will know the difference if you assign meaningless tasks just to keep them busy.

6. Praise

Walk into many preschool classrooms and you’ll see children sitting quietly in circles or rows, raising their hands to speak. The question is, how do teachers get so many children to cooperate? Praise is key. At the same time, you’re shaping your child’s behavior because they’ll repeat what others notice.

7. Develop Predictable Routines

Kids cooperate in school because they know what to expect, says Beth Cohan-Dorfman, education coordinator at Concordia Avondale Campus Preschool in Chicago. “They do the same thing every day, so they quickly learn what to do, and eventually they don’t need to be reminded,” says Cohan-Dorfman.

Although it can be difficult to establish a routine at home, the more consistent you are, the easier it is for your child to cooperate. Establish some routines, like getting dressed before breakfast, washing your hands when you come in from outside, etc., and your child will gradually follow the family rules.

8. Encourage

If your child refuses to do something, turn it into a game. “Humor and games are great approaches that many parents sometimes forget,” Zebooker commented. When her son was little, she had her own way of convincing him to put on his shoes in the morning. She would say in a playful voice, “Welcome to Miss Mommy’s Shoe Store, I have the perfect pair for you to try on today.”

9. Warn about changes

When you need to turn off the TV, stop playing to eat, or go to someone’s house, give your child a heads up so that he can finish what he’s doing. If you need to leave at 8:30, tell him at 8:15 that he has a few more minutes to play, then he has to stop.

10. Offer rewards carefully

If you are not careful, you can easily make your child do things just for the reward, without grasping the true meaning of the work, such as cleaning up toys because the whole family is about to go to the dining room. You should only offer rewards for things that require more effort than everyday tasks like brushing teeth or getting dressed.

11. Offer calculated choices

If your three-year-old doesn't want to sit at the dinner table, you can give him the choice of sitting and eating dessert, or not sitting and skipping the meal. At first, he may not choose correctly, but gradually he will change for the better when he realizes that the wrong choice does not bring him what he wants. Just be careful to offer a less attractive option B when you want him to follow option A.

12. Don’t say “if”

When you make the assumption, “If you finish cleaning up the crayons, we can go to the park,” your child is being given the idea that the cleanup might not be complete. Instead, try saying, “When you finish cleaning up the crayons, we can go to the park.”

13. Prioritize play

Children learn a lot through play. Photo: Christian Mingle

Preschool teachers are constantly talking about how children today play less than they did 10-20 years ago. Instead, supervised activities take up the majority of their day. Say “Let’s go play!” in a casual way, then prepare materials like paper, paint, cardboard boxes, dough, etc. to let your child’s imagination run wild.

14. Use Music

Sandy Haines, a teacher at Buckingham Preschool in Glastonbury, Connecticut, says using music in activities can help your child feel more engaged. You might suggest a “race” to the song: “Can you get dressed before Raffi finishes singing Yellow Submarine?”

15. Encourage teamwork

If your child is fighting over a toy with another child, set a time limit for each child to play. You might set a timer for five minutes and tell them that when the bell rings, they have to give up the toy because it’s your turn.

16. Let your child resolve small conflicts

When your child is in a “fight,” don’t always step in to “rescue” them, unless you see a fight.

17. Distract to Practice Discipline

If your child is jumping up and down on the couch or grabbing her doll, distract her by asking her if she wants to draw a picture or read a short story with you.

18. Avoid tearful goodbyes

Children often feel anxious when they are away from their parents, so give them something that reminds them of you, such as a picture or a paper heart. This can help soothe their emotions.

19. Correct Mistakes

If you see your child drawing on the wall, ask her to clean it up. If she knocks over a toy tower that another child has built, she should help you put it back together.

20. Don’t delay discipline

If your child deserves a reprimand, you should do it right away. Buss says she sometimes hears parents say, “Wait until we get home…” but by then, the child has forgotten. Similarly, canceling your trip to the zoo on Saturday because of something that happened on Thursday is not a deterrent to preschoolers.

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