Growing up is a difficult process, and tantrums are part of it. It is important for parents to respond appropriately in such moments.

Tantrums are emotional outbursts that occur due to anger or frustration. They can include a variety of behaviors, from screaming and yelling to kicking, punching, and biting. And whether they occur in toddlers or older children, tantrums are often quite disturbing. Each tantrum is inherently the result of one simple thing: "they don't get what they want."

What causes tantrums in children?
In children aged 1 to 2, tantrums often stem from trying to communicate a need - more milk, a diaper change, a toy, but they don't have the language skills to communicate it. They feel frustrated when their parents don't respond to what they say. For older children, tantrums are more like a power struggle. They are very aware of their needs and wants – and they want to assert them more. When your child reaches preschool, they may be able to use words to tell you what they need, but that doesn’t mean their tantrums are over. They are still learning to manage their emotions, and even a small disagreement can quickly escalate. As they become more and more self-aware of their growing independence, they may feel especially frustrated when they need help. It’s good to remember that tantrums are not a sign of poor parenting. In fact, they are a basic stage of child development. Bullying helps children learn to deal with their negative emotions.

Can These Tantrums Be Prevented?
When a child is having a tantrum, it’s hard to get the upper hand. When a tantrum is in public, it’s even harder. The key to better happiness is to reduce the likelihood of tantrums. What you can do:

Model positive behavior - be aware of how you react to stressful situations. Avoid yelling and try not to say or act out when angry.

  • Identify common triggers and avoid them - some situations that can cause tantrums include exhaustion, fear, overstimulation and hunger.
  • Help your child understand emotions - by naming emotions like "This makes me angry because..." or "I feel sad/angry/etc.", your child can identify their own emotions.
  • Appreciate them for good behavior - parents sometimes have a habit of telling their children what they are doing wrong. Turn it around and appreciate them every time they do something right without being asked.
  • Don't let hunger get out of control - just like adults, many children feel anxious when they are hungry. Plan your meal times and always have snacks on hand for unexpected events. When you are going out to eat, remember to factor in the time it will take to wait for your meal. Snacks are also good for these times.

What NOT to do when your child is having a tantrum
Don't minimize your child's feelings
It's important that you don't laugh so that you take their reactions and experiences seriously.

Don't tell them how to feel
This is a big rule of thumb and is especially important for tantrums. These are comments that not only invalidate a child's feelings but also instruct them to feel something other than what they are feeling - for example, "Don't be angry" or "Don't be sad!" While these comments sometimes work to stop a tantrum, they often make young children even more upset in response. Conversely, however, they often calm down when parents simply help to name their feelings or describe a situation. "You're angry because it looks more like an egg than a circle, right?" or "You worked so hard and then one came and ruined it." When children have the opportunity to have their feelings heard and understood by their parents, they feel satisfied and no longer have to express their pain by screaming louder or crying more. Children need to learn that their emotions are a part of life, even difficult emotions, and they come and go like waves in the ocean that they have to sail. As a parent, you have to model for them and teach them how to deal with these emotions, not how to not have them, which, frankly, won't work anyway.

Don't say their behavior makes you sad
The child starts to get angry or sad about something, and the parent responds with a sad face or pretends to cry, commenting: "You know I'm so sorry you're acting like this", "You'd be sad if you were so mean". Children are not responsible for their parents' mental health. The truth is that parents are responsible for their young children's emotional well-being. Saying "I'm starting to get frustrated/angry/upset" is more appropriate because it implies that the emotions are your own and models the ability to recognize and label them, then act accordingly.

Don't use sarcasm

Although sarcasm is somewhat common today, it is a relatively complex form of communication that young children cannot understand. They may recognize that your tone does not match your words (for example, when the word "very funny" is said in a bitter or sarcastic way), but they will not know what to think about it. Sarcasm is often confusing to toddlers and preschoolers. At best, they will feel confused when you use sarcasm when they are upset. At worst, they will feel humiliated. Either way, it is almost certain that their distress will increase and the tantrum will get worse instead of better.

Don't yell
Remember that children will follow your example when it comes to anger management. If you raise your voice, which happens to even the best of us, apologize and ask for change: "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry. I don't want to talk to you like that. Can we start over?" Basically, model the behaviors you want your child to see, including making mistakes and taking responsibility for them.

Hug them
It may seem like the last thing you want to do when your child is angry, but it can actually help them calm down. Hugs make children feel safe and let them know that you care about them, even if you don't agree with their behavior.